The SICK and TIRED of DIETING Rant*

*Disclaimer: If poking fun at dieting offends the reader, stop at the title :). This post is merely a tongue-in-cheek commiseration at attempts for healthy eating in today's society.


Are you SICK and TIRED of dieting?  Are you also sick and tired of everything associated with dieting:  DIET cookbooks, DIET menus, exercise equipment, designer sweat bands, well-meaning “friends” who drop not-so-subtle hints about DIETING . . . even talk show hosts  slobbering over some nauseatingly thin, reject-from-a-refugee-camp-looking celebrity and her recent workout video, fat grams, counting calories, and. . .(shudder). . .aerobics?  If any of these things make you gag, then this post is for you!

On one hand, our contemporary society dictates that we are all supposed to fit into a size two dress (and I look askance at anyone whose dress size is smaller than my size 11 shoe)--the famous Mona Lisa would even be jeered to scorn in today's skeletal climate.  On the other hand, most of our societal gatherings involve food, and plenty of it!  Club meetings?  Food!  Church socials?  Food!  Family reunions?  Food!  Bridal showers?  Food!  And I don't mean "tofu surprise" or "watercress a la cardboard," either.  Gravies, sauces, butter by the pound, gooey desserts with  mounds of frosting--all beckon the unsuspecting.


When one is on the wagon with any other unhealthy habit, that individual is applauded for making the right choice.  When dieting, however, we get "Oh, just one piece of cake (or brownie, or cookie, or whatever) won't hurt you!"  Do we tell smokers trying to quit: "Oh, one itsy-bitsy cigarette won't hurt you"??  NOPE.

As a fellow sufferer on the treadmill (oops, sorry!) of this diet-crazed country, I’ve lost at least 1,000 pounds in my life (and gained back 1,100). I've wondered what would happen if I just decided to eat and enjoy it for a change. You know what I mean—gobble up chocolate chip cookies simply because they smell heavenly, taste even better, feel good going down, and provide a wonderful sense of well-being? (I'm told that chocolate produces endorphins.)  That sort of thing is usually not permitted unless a hefty serving of guilt is included as the entree:

“My dear, are you sure that you want another serving? That dress is getting a bit snug, you know.”

“Do you have a tapeworm?”

“Eating again? We just had lunch!”

“I can’t believe you ate the whole pizza!”

The meals I'm talking about have no “guilt garnishes” slipped in beside the desserts. Eat up on my pre-diet if you are one of those who hates to diet (for now, anyway). We know we need to eat right, lose weight, exercise, and ingest all sorts of healthy roughage--all the while, craving those luscious, but forbidden goodies!  

Remember the golden rule of dieting:  a calorie is a unit of flavor—the better the food tastes, the more calories it contains.  Celery, therefore, must be in the plywood family.

So relax. Have a few good meals before you go on that inevitable DIET.  Live it up this week by going to those all-you-can-eat buffets, family reunions, church pot luck dinners--get my drift?  If you follow this pre-diet idea, you’ll finally enjoy your food, secure in the knowledge that you plan to DIET afterwards. 

Save the plywood and rabbit food for next week--when you embark upon THE DREADED HEALTHY DIET!